I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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