I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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