Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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