my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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