the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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