I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
