Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
