they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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