google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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