my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
