i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
