you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
