I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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