This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
