don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
