so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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