You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
