if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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