shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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