i need an iv and a liver transplant
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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