Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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