Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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