Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
