Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I have so many feelings about this burrito
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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