i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
