Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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