What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
