his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
