i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
