Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
