So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You ruined the universe
You are a genius and a whore.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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