overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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