arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
