He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
