She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
