As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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