i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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