You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
