next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
