thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
