Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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