woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
