Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
