If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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