Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
