We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
