Hey man sorry I got all grabby
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
