Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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