Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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