How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
